Kittens Can't Speak Elfish
by Stephfunky
Summary: Haldir has found a pretty little kitten with black fur and green eyes. That talks. Hp X-over, slash, crossgen
1. Chapter 1

Haldir sighed deeply, looking out over the forest with a keen eye. It was early in the morning and the rest of the world was celebrating the dawning of a beautiful new day while all Haldir wanted to do was pass out from exhaustion. He vaguely wished he had something with which to occupy himself while waiting for his replacement that was already nearly an hour late. The blond yawned deeply, feeling his eyes glaze over slowly. He allowed them, just for a moment, when a beautiful yet slightly husky voice called, "You're really not a good march warden are you?'

Haldir's eyes snapped to attention instantly. Looking around for the voice's owner, all Haldir found was a small black kitten lying gracefully on the tree branch above him. The kitten's head was resting on large black paws and intelligent green eyes were watching him intently.

"Who spoke to me?" Haldir commanded the air, as he did not know where else to direct it.

"I did nincompoop," the kitten replied calmly in perfect elfish.

Haldir stared at the creature for several long seconds, dark eyes narrowed in concentration, before finally stating rather plainly, "You are a kitten."

"And you are blond," the kitten responded, voice tinted with sarcastic awe.

"Kittens can't speak elfish." The march warden supplemented.

Yawning languidly, the green-eyed kitten gave Haldir what he assumed was the cat equivalent of a smirk. "Shows what you know."

The blond elf cleared his throat in annoyance, looking up at the small kitten. "I know you can not possible speak elfish. As a kitten you do not have the facilities to speak."

The kitten sat up, yawning widely before answering, "And yet here we are, having a conversation."

Haldir, perhaps wisely in terms of his sanity, choose not to continue his fight over whether or not kittens could speak. The kitten was stubborn and had the bad habit of pointing out the holes in his arguments. Quite the same reasons that he no longer battled wits with Lord Celebron. "Who are you? Why are you here?"

Large green eyes blinked at him slowly, the kitten's strange expression of happiness slipping. "I-I-I don't know." He murmured, seemingly only just realizing this lack of knowledge.

"Then how do I know you are not a figment of my imagination?"

This apparently was a hot topic for the kitten, because the next thing Haldir knew he had a lapful of kitten who - as it were- had very sharp claws. The elf resisted crying out - in both surprise and pain - choosing instead to grip the kitten's downy fur gently as to avoid squashing the troublesome thing.

"It is widely considered rude to claw another's genital area." Haldir conceded, gulping slightly.

The kitten tightened his strong grip, causing a flinch in his fellow. "Am I real?"

"Quite."

With a nod the kitten released his catch, allowing Haldir to let loose a breath he had been unaware of holding. "What is your name?" Haldir questioned, looking down at the innocent looking feline.

"What's yours?"

"Haldir."

"Harry."

A single blond eyebrow ascended, lips turning very slightly at the corners. Two paws settled gently against his thigh and Haldir felt his smile disappear. An entire conversation passed in a single gesture and Haldir made mental note to not tease the kitten when he was capable of sinking his claws into any part of his anatomy. Haldir slipped his hands under the kitten's front paws and used the grip to lift him into the air. Harry was much smaller then Haldir had originally thought, being able to fit the entirety of his body in one of the elf's large hands.

"I'm sorry I'm late Haldir! I allowed myself to be distracted." Haldir glanced down towards the bottom of the tree to find his replacement - a young new member of the Elfish army.

Haldir felt his right eye twitch slightly - the only clear sign of his annoyance. He dropped down easily to stand next to the younger elf, cradling Harry against his strong chest. "Do not waste my time with your apologies, just get to work."

"Will do sir! Once again I am - what are you holding?"

"A kitten," Haldir explained slowly, somewhat concerned that this cadet could not identify a kitten when he saw one.

His fellow blinked and cleared his throat awkwardly. "There is not kitten sir."

"There is no..." Haldir held the kitten out from his body so that the somewhat pathetic looking thing was dangling right before the younger elf. "You are telling me you can not see this?"

"Yes?" The dark haired elf murmured slowly, looking unsure of himself.

"You can not see him." The blond stated. The other nodded. Turning his eyes to Harry, Haldir spoke - half questioningly, "He can not see you."

Harry shrugged and Haldir drew him back to his chest, chancing a glance at his replacement. The elf was looking at him with no small amount of concern.

"I must," he muttered slowly, stroking the soft fur beneath his fingers absently. "I must be imagining things. I am very tired."

The younger had the grace to look ashamed, but said nothing. Turning away, Haldir started his trek back to the main building of Rivendell in which he roomed still cupping the small kitten. There was no way, he thought, that he could be imagining this. Even during the wars of past when he would often go weeks without sleep, he had never dreamt up a false being (let alone a _kitten_) to keep him company. Haldir looked down at the kitten, only to find the creature watching him with wide eyes.

"Kittens," Haldir called to the elf that had replaced him. "they can not speak elfish, yes?"

The answer sounded highly confused, but was what he had expected. "Yes, they can not."

**A.N. . I'm soooo happy with this! Well, please let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. Back by popular demand - I apologize for the shortness, it will get better.**

Haldir was getting very tired of the looks being sent his way. As march warden of Lorein and honored guest of Lord Celebron he should be honored and his word respected. As far he knew (and he could lay claim to quite an impressive vat of knowledge) 'I am holding an invisible kitten' did not mean 'Please stare at me'.

"Are you feeling quite well Lord Haldir?" A younger she-elf questioned after receiving Haldir's blankly delivered kitten line.

Haldir recognized the woman, but only just as she for once wasn't flapping her lashes rapidly at him. She was part of a handful of self-proclaimed admirers that had been all but stalking him since his arrival some years ago. Lord Celeborn had called his friend's extended visit to Rivendell a social visit, but now that he had begun to take on the responsibilities of Rivendell's march warden-ship Haldir had admitted that his friend would likely never let him end his social visit. Haldir's so called fan club had apparently taken this to mean that he would be seeking a wife now.

He chose to continue walking, hoping she would take such rudeness on his part as the hint it was and leave him be.

"They think you're crazy," Harry the kitten informed, glancing around curiously.

"I had gathered as such," the blond replied with a dark frown.

Harry seemed completely unperturbed by Haldir's less then friendly expression – quite an accomplishment all things considered. "Maybe you should stop telling them you're carrying a feline they can't see." The kitten said matter of factly as he clawed his way painfully onto Haldir's broad shoulders. It plopped itself down and shimmied it's way around the elf's neck as that one set of paws were on each side of Haldir's head and the back of his neck was tickled by a soft underbelly.

"Mmmm, warm-" Harry supplied, the rumbling of his purrs vibrating Haldir's neck in a way he found quite unsettling.

Haldir chose to ignore the kitten's new perch, as he was sure the small feline had done it to rile him. The small creature seemed to very much enjoy doing such things – a past time that would have garnered him much pain if it weren't for the fact that he was – in fact – a very small kitten. Harming such a defenseless thing simply didn't have the same appeal as breaking the arm of an arrogant cadet that thought himself a god.

"Alas I am carrying a feline they cannot see," he answered to his heavily purring cargo.

"You sound like my grandfather," The kitten scoffed sleepily. "Besides, what would you say if some else told you they had an invisible cat?"

Haldir again chose to ignore all logic he was faced with. "Your grandfather was also a talking feline?"

"No, he was a wizard." Harry replied, his voice low from near unconsciousness. The small feline seemed to have a better time answering Haldir's questions now – the elf noted. Perhaps the misplaced thing could only access his mind fully when on the brink of sleep?

"That would mean that you too are a wizard."

"You're saying I'm," The kitten yawned largely – hot breath puffing gently against Haldir's neck. "Uh… that I'm not?"

"Wizards cannot turn into elfish speaking kittens."

"So you say," the kitten murmured before dropping off in a purring sleep. Haldir continued walking for a moment, to be sure the thing was well and truly asleep before he paused to remove the small creature and carefully cradle it in his much larger hands. Harry wrapped his small warm paws around Haldir's hand in a strange sort of hug. Haldir softened very slightly in his rigid stance, trailing a finger the size of one of the kitten's legs along the warm stomach that had only just been pressed against his vulnerable neck. Any other would have died for touching him without his permission in such a private place – but again the kitten was simply too small and delicate to harm.

"What are you holding Haldir?"

It was yet another fan club woman, this one of the more daring in that she felt it her right to call him by name without any precursor to speak of. Haldir did not spare her a glance.

"I am carrying an invisible kitten that can speak elfish."

She gave him one those looks, almost identical to the one her 'rival for his affection' had given him just moments ago. He ignored her and continued on.

**A.N. Woops! The lord elf's name is Celeborn not Celebron. Also, thank you to all those who supplied me with the name of Haldir's home Lorien – I couldn't for the life of me find it anywhere. Anywho – I love the LOTR arc, but I am no expert so please feel free to correct me if I screw anything up. Also, I have a a review poll for you all. Should Harry the kitten be able to influence people other then Haldir? I.E. Should Harry be able to scratch the other elves and still be felt? Tell me what ya think.**


	3. Chapter 3

Haldir stopped short of his room, which was located just a few feet down the hall from him. From here, he could see a small blue box sat innocently before the closed doorway, an obnoxiously large red bow perched atop it. He eyed the box suspiciously and stepped forward slowly, eyes trained on the box. Harry – apparently awoken by his sudden decrease in movement - stirred, yawning widely.

The kitten gracefully slid down the smooth plane of Haldir's chest, into the waiting arms of the elf. Yawning again, Harry leaned forward as much as he could without falling out of the blond's hands.

"'It's a present."

Haldir narrowed his eyes, absently rubbing a thumb against the soft down of the kitten's black chest. "It is a suspicious package set before my room." He corrected, again taking a step forward.

An incredulous look was sent his way before Harry clawed his way out of Haldir's grasp, pounding down the hall to the present. The kitten slipped and slid on the well-polished marble floors of the lord and lady's main house, but eventually came to stand before Haldir's room and the package. With a dark frown Haldir followed, scooping up the kitten and (with an unhappy grunt at Harry's smug look) the package which he could now see _was_ most likely a present.

"See," Harry sing-songed as they entered the elder's sparse room. "I told you."

Haldir choose not to reply, sitting on one of two chairs in his room that were positioned in a semi circle before a currently unlit fireplace. With a slight running start, Harry jumped up into the other chair. The two companions sat in silence for a short time before Harry huffed and cleared his throat. When Haldir glanced at the amnesic kitten, he found that the blunt little thing had his eyes very pointedly trained on the present in Haldir's lap. The elf resisted the urge to sigh or roll his eyes (as that would just make him too similar for comfort to the aggravating thing across from him) choosing instead to twist a long finger in the ribbon holding the box closed and pull sharply – opening the box.

Haldir stared stoically into the bright jade eyes of the kitten perched before him. It blinked back, twitching to try to dislodge the small red ribbon tied about its neck loosely. Harry jumped to all fours suddenly and glared as his fur poofed out impressively, making him appear several times his actual size.

"What is this?" Haldir asked, glancing back towards the very unhappy Harry. The other, nameless kitten clawed her way up to look over the edge of the now opened present box in which she sat.

Harry glared at the other kitten, hissing until she withdrew back into the box - wide eyes searching around the room for something. "It's a kitten," the dark feline replied through clenched teeth.

The other cat meowed.

Haldir blinked.

Harry arched his spine and hissed loudly, making the other kitten jump again.

The blond elf narrowed his eyes in thought, dark orbs passing rapidly between the two kittens. He scooped Harry up, causing the small thing to cease all hissing in surprise, and presented him to his female counterpart. The darker of the two kittens hissed, causing the ribboned female to jump again and dart her jade eyes about in search of the source of the sound.

"She cannot see you," Haldir stated.

"Neither can anyone else but you," Harry reminded dryly. He shimmied wildly until Haldir toke the hint and set Harry down in his lap. "I don't like her." The dark kitten stated, refusing to even look at the brown and white again peeking female who was either very brave or simply too stupid to realize that just because she couldn't see Harry didn't mean that the obviously unhappy feline couldn't (or perhaps wouldn't) hurt her. Harry seemed to have chosen to absolve her of that opinion as – before Haldir could even reply to Harry's observation of the obvious – the smaller, darker kitten had reared back a clawed paw and violently smacked the female. She yowled in two parts fear one part pain, scrambling back into her box so quickly that the terrified kitten actually knocked the present and herself off Haldir's lap.

Haldir blinked, looking down at the cowering kitten at his feet before frowning at Harry. "That was excessive." He stated to the now grooming Harry.

Harry sniffed hauntingly, licking at the very paw he had cuffed the other with. "I don't like arrogant, stupid girls like that."

"I have the feeling you simply do not like women," Haldir replied, clearly remembering Harry's method of completely ignoring every female that had approached the two on Haldir's way back to his room.

"I prefer men," Harry answered flatly. A long and awkward silence stretched between the two as neither added on, both watching the female kitten shake and shiver in her box.

"As do I," Haldir finally admitted, not looking at Harry. "However, your treatment of her still seemed excessive."

"Perhaps," Harry conceded.

Haldir drew his eyes open to look at Harry, only to find the kitten's emerald eyes meeting his own in a steady stare. "Yes?" he prompted after a moment.

Jerking slightly and shaking his furry little head rapidly, Harry turned his eyes back to the other kitten with a muttered answer of 'Nothing'.

The elf did not question his companion's actions, as he was not entirely sure he wanted to know the inner workings of Harry the kitten's mind. He instead followed in Harry's stead and turned dark eyes to the female kitten.

"What is it?" He finally repeated, cocking a brow when the brown ball of fur twitched rather aggressively at the sound of his voice.

"It's a kitten," Harry answered, his voice slow and deliberate – stressing each syllable as if he were speaking to one with limited mental capabilities.

Haldir ignored the insinuation behind Harry's words. "With what purpose?"

Harry crouched down, as if he was considering attacking the other kitten again. "I bet she's a present from one of those giggling women you told about me."

"Giggling women?" The blond repeated thoughtfully, placing a restraining hand around Harry's small form. "Ah, you speak of my fan club."

"Fan club?" Harry sounded like he was on the verge of laughter. Haldir ignored him.

"I doubt any of them would give me a _kitten_."

Harry rolled his eyes dramatically. "They would if they thought your sanity depended on it. Look and see if there's a note."

The elder frowned, but leaned forward nonetheless to riffle his hand around the box in search of a note. He leaned back a second later with a small white envelope in hand, the other kitten's trembling having increased from having her space invaded and Harry smirking slightly in victory. Haldir flipped the envelope open and removed the note swiftly with a single hand, the other still restraining Harry absently.

_To keep you company -- Seriphan_

"See," Harry said, the strange smirk twisting at his black lips increasing tenfold. "I told you."

"Kittens cannot read elfish." The march warden snapped.

Harry seemed completely unaffected. "You know, I recall us having a hauntingly similar conversation less than an hour ago."

"Silence!"

"You lost _that_ argument too."

"Silence now!"

"Maybe you should just concede that I'm always right."

This time Haldir could not resist his urges. He released his hold on Harry and smacked himself sharply against the forehead. Harry laughed.

"Haldir?" A soft voice called through the locked door and both Harry and Haldir froze while the poor nameless thing continued to shiver.

"Who's that?" Harry whispered, pulling himself into a compact little ball of black fur.

"Seriphan," Haldir whispered back, although he was not entirely sure why either of them bothered as it seemed that only animals and Haldir himself could hear Harry and Haldir was sure that –judging by her gift – Seriphan already thought him crazy enough to talk to himself.

Nonetheless, Haldir rose and placed Harry on his shoulder so that it would not seem like he was carrying something that Seriphan couldn't see (even though he was). He pulled the door open without preamble and looked out at the fidgeting dark haired elf beyond.

"Yes Lady Seriphan?"

"Oh Haldir!" Seriphan cooed making both Haldir himself and Harry cringe – although Haldir's movement was far less dramatic or noticeable then the drama queen of a kitten's. "I remembered what you said about the umm… 'invisible kitten' earlier and just had to get a kitten. Do you like her?"

Harry hissed. "She seems nervous," Haldir said after a moment's silence, refusing to overlook his own high standards on manners even when faced by an increasingly annoying fan club member.

"Oh well," Seriphan leaned forward boldly, invading Haldir's very important personal bubble to run a slender finger down his clothed chest as her voice dropped an octave or two. "Any girl would be nervous when faced by someone like _you_, Haldir."

Harry glared, his fur unsettling again as he muttered a mantra of 'I don't like her' repeatedly beside Haldir's sensitive ear. The blond elf twitched.

"So, why don't you forget all this 'invisible kitten' business? You had me worried…"

"Forget about _me_?" Harry repeated darkly, his muscles tensing in anger.

"– after all I'm more important than some silly little kitten that isn't even real, aren't I?"

Before Haldir had half the chance to even realize what Harry was doing - let alone stop him – the tiny feline had pounced. He latched pearly teeth onto Seriphan's wandering finger – giving her pause for half a second before she yelped and withdrew the injured digit from Haldir's chest unknowingly bringing the stubborn feline along with her. She went to cradle her finger, only to have her hand brush against something that shocked her so much that she froze – wide blue eyes staring unknowingly at the angry kitten glaring right back at her from his place hanging from her now bleeding finger.

"I felt fur." Seriphan whispered, looking up at the expressionless Haldir. The blond took her hand and easily removed the still loudly growling Harry from her finger. The taller elf cradled Harry gently to his chest, looking up to see Seriphan staring. She took a cautious step back and then another before, without warning, turning tail and darting away as quickly as she could.

"I don't like girls like her," Harry whined, looking up at Haldir with wide pleading eyes as if… as if the kitten were afraid Haldir would do as Seriphan suggested and forget him.

Haldir allowed a very, very slight smile to turn at his lips as he wiped a small spot of blood from the kitten's maw. "Neither do I," he answered, eyes softening minutely as Harry nuzzled his hand worriedly. He rubbed the kitten's head gently, holding it closer to his chest in comfort as purrs rumbled loudly from Harry's tiny frame. "But I refrain from biting them when they are being obnoxious."

"Only because you have too," Harry added, happy now that he had been reassured that Haldir wasn't going to abandon him just yet.

"Only because I have to," Haldir agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

"You don't think she'll say anything do you?"

Haldir considered his companion with narrowed eyes and the expression he often wore when dealing with the exceptionally stupid. Harry was either ignoring him or too worried to notice. Indeed the small kitten, currently kneading his thighs uncomfortably, had been so worried over the ramifications of his attack on Seriphan that Haldir had almost thought he was spying a rarely seen side of the ball of fluff. A serious, mature side. Then, the fluff ball had plopped down onto Haldir's lap and started to bemoan the loss of his newfound scratching post. If not for the fact that the blond elf had been trained far too many a year ago to refrain from all emotional displays then he would have face faulted.

"She probably will," Harry continued musing, digging his sharp little claws deep into Haldir's pants and - as it were – his already abused thigh. "But, really who would believe her?"

"The holes in my person would collaborate her story," Haldir supplied through gritted teeth.

Harry snorted, if anything tightening his grip. "You've had worse," He answered, releasing the flesh he had captured before reasserting a tighter, more painful hold on it.

"Hardly my point."

"Like I care."

The urge to roll his eyes became neigh unbearable, but luckily for Haldir's pride there was a soft knock at his door. He shoved Harry off his lap, glad to have the claws out of his throbbing legs. Never would the hardened war veteran have thought that such a small, seemingly innocent creature could and would purposely cause such pain. The smallest of wounds, it seemed, stung the most.

Already sure of whom was calling at his chamber door, Haldir rushed more than he would later admit – eager for the company of another who was at the very least of the same species as himself. He would have preferred it if Legolas or Arwen, both of whom were leagues more reasonable and mature then either of his current guests, had answered his unvoiced pleas for release from Harry. Harry, Haldir had learned very quickly, was made of a very special kind of insanity that existed only in those who were an interesting and unstable mix of pure evil and cute. Lord Celeborn, while also processing the same brand of concentrated evil that Harry excelled at, at least tried and sometimes succeeded in suppressing his unholy talents.

Haldir swung the door open without preamble, inwardly pleased to find that the Lord of the forest was indeed standing on the other side – a large, round mirror resting in his hands.

"My lord?" The blond questioned, carefully withholding his joy at the elder elf's presence from his voice.

"Hello Haldir," Celeborn answered, his voice light but his eyes serious and confused. "I'm afraid this visit isn't social."

Dark brown eyes met the light blue of the Elf Lord and Haldir felt himself stiffen slightly in anticipation. He stood back from the door way, waving his lord in. Not hesitating even the slightest bit, Celeborn took the invitation for what it was and swept in the room grandly – his light blue robes bringing a foreign light to Haldir's rooms.

Celeborn turned, facing Haldir who still stood by the now closed entrance. "I have been informed by a fairly frantic Lady Seriphan that you are harboring a dangerous, violent, _invisible,_" the lord paused, his blue eyes twinkling in barely concealed amusement. "Kitten." He finished with flourish, lighthearted chuckles filling the room.

Haldir remained silent, flicking his gaze to Harry who had climbed his up to the back of the large chair. Harry had a look about his furry little face that translated into pure fondness in Haldir's mind. Haldir flinched at the thought of Harry and Celeborn meeting and (dare he think it) befriending each other. Such a future as more terrifying than any other Haldir had ever considered.

By this point Celeborn, who was admittedly a tad on the slow side, noticed that Haldir had not joined him in his mirth. While not expecting his friend to laugh, Celeborn had at least expected an indulgent smile.

"You do not find such a notion ridiculous?"

"I do not," Haldir stated, making his way to stand closer to the center of the room but still a safe distance from both his insane friends. "Because it is true."

Celeborn stared. "It is… excuse me?"

"I am indeed harboring a kitten that is the essence of both violence and danger that happens to be invisible."

Harry huffed, trying and failing to launch himself at Haldir's arm. "Hey!" the kitten cried indigently from where he had haphazardly landed from flight a few feet away.

The lord and yet to cease his staring and Haldir half expected the mirror his elder still held to crash to the ground at any moment. Indeed Celeborn's fingering did begin to slip, but he – rather suddenly – straightened his stance and rearranged his hold on the mirror with all traces of his previous good humor gone before the rather plain piece of decoration could fall.

"Kindly point out the location of the animal."

"Pardon?"

Celeborn turned cold eyes to Haldir, worry icing them over. "If you were any other I would believe you to be lying or pulling a rather childish joke – but you Haldir neither lie nor joke."

"It's true," Harry intersected from his seat on the floor. "There's an alarming lack of humor in your life. Probably why you always act like there's a stick up your ass."

Haldir narrowed his eyes and refrained from shooting the fuzzy little suicide agent a death glare – if only for his apparently questionable sanity. "And?" Haldir prompted, steadfastly ignoring the kitten's sniggering.

"And as far as I can see it that leaves me two possible explanations. The first being that your are insane – which I sincerely hope is not the case – or your kitten is real in which case something will have to be done." Celeborn explained swiftly, hefting his cargo into a better position. "This mirror will reveal anything that cannot be seen so if you would kindly gesture to the animal."

Haldir flicked his eyes to Harry then to his lord before nodding slowly. Not entirely sure he wanted to find if his mind had escaped down the preverbal rabbit hole, Haldir waved his open hand at Harry who sat – pouting over his failed attack – on the floor a few feet from them both. Celeborn nodded and took a slow step forward, mirror poised, alerting Harry to his approach. The kitten sat up, tilting his small face to the side in childish wonder but keeping in his spot all the same. In what felt like the longest seconds of Haldir's long life, Celeborn made his way to Harry and knelt down. He set the mirror against the ground, tilting his face over the edge to see if there was a kitten reflected. There was not.

Harry sniggered and Haldir finally bowed to his urges, rolling his eyes swiftly before joining Celeborn – who sat a good three feet right of Harry. He snatched the mirror from the surprised Lord's grip, all the agitation of the day finally releasing and causing him to behave a manner far different from his usual pilot and proud demeanor. Plopping down to the ground beside Harry, Haldir didn't even pause to think over his actions or their ramifications before setting the mirror behind Harry.

Celeborn had an incredulous look staining his features – a look that proved that another could finally see the troublesome talking kitten Harry. Feeling a heady righteousness bubble up and not bothering to resist the urge, Haldir adopted a smug grin and spoke –for the first time in his life- Harry's trademark phrase. "See," he stated, also staring at the for once silent Harry. "I told you.

"That is not possible," Celeborn whispered absently, apparently waking harry from his daze.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better I don't know how it happened either."

Haldir – who had been watching the lord's expressions flit from surprise to disbelief to any other number of emotions – nearly burst into uncharacteristic laughter when a look of fascinated horror painted Celeborn's features.

Glancing down at Harry and tuning out the creature's monologue, Haldir could easily see the reason for his lord's expression. There sat a kitten, pure black and tiny in stature, with his maw flapping in speech and his large paw raised and flipped by his head in an all too human gesture.

"So, you cannot hear him?"

"Hear him?" Celeborn mimicked, eyes glued to the disturbing kitten.

Inwardly smirking, Haldir supplied, "Did Seriphan not mention it? Harry here is fluent in elfish – although he is fond of slang."

"Fo' shizzle mah nizzle, biatch." Harry added without missing a beat.

"_Excuse me?_" Haldir asked with eyebrows raised and a look of confused disbelief.

"Oh," Harry looked up, again tilting his head to the side when he was trying to be cute. "Sorry. Man-biatch."

Their exchange was interrupted before Haldir could truly process Harry's words, however, but the sound of Celeborn chuckles again invading his room.

At the blond's superior (but still curious) look, Celeborn's laughter increased tenfold as he flapped his wrist dismissively at Haldir. "You… of all the things… You made friends with a kitten! A talking kitten!"

"I hardly find this amusing."

"I do!" Both his guests exclaimed in annoying tandem.

Haldir's eyes narrowed.

"We must of coarse do something about his invisibility. And considering his ability to talk I very much doubt – Harry did you say? – that the kitten is actually a kitten."

"Congratulations – you have deduced what I already had hours ago." Haldir snapped, very much tired of being poked and teased.

Celeborn ignored him, heading towards the hall without collecting his mirror which was now leaning against one of Haldir's chairs. "I while send a call for Gandalf – perhaps he can do something to help Harry's situation. Oh the irony. Galadriel will be so amused by this."

Harry sniggered, Celeborn chuckled and left, and Haldir slapped an open palm against his forehead.

**A.N: **OMG. I never realized when I started this story that it would get as popular as it is. Only three chapters and I'm just shy of 100 reviews. That's mind boggling to me… Anywho I've very recently become enamored with the story **The Midnight Hour ** by Branwen777 ( which can be found here .net/s/4704708/1/ - it's a Harry Potter Twilight slash crossover and very good) and while I was reading today I noticed something – Branwen updated nearly every other day – while I could barely remember the last time I had updated. Frankly, it made me a bit ashamed of myself. I'm so easily distracted that I forget my obligations, and for that I apologize. I promise that I will update more often! You, my ever faithful readers, deserve it! You guys roxas my soxas!


	5. Chapter 5

Harry jumped up onto the back of Haldir's chair, tail flipping slowly in amusement. "I like him," The cat announced rather needlessly.

Haldir glared. "You would," he shot moving to sit in the chair Harry was perched on.

"Oi, just because you have a stick up your ass..." Harry trailed off, green eyes trained on him meaningfully.

"What would I be doing with a stick there, pray tell?"

"Well, you're gay and judging by your icy front I'd say who haven't had some for quite some time. Never would've pinned you as a bottom though."

"Gay... some? What are you talking about?"

Harry jumped down and pranced to the door, never bothering to look back as he answered. "It's slang Haldir, I could spend all day teaching you but I really don't think you'd pick it up."

"I'm sure." The elf replied, turning slightly in his seat to find where the cat had run off to only to find myself staring at the kitten's raised rear. He shook it slightly from side to side, before jumping straight up and flinging himself into the doorknob. It was pulled down by the kitten's slight body weight and the door opened with a low screech. Haldir watched in slight horror as the kitten made to leave, his mind flooding with possible chaos that could and would be caused by the little evil fur ball.

Haldir made a noise, somewhere between a choke and a strangled yell as he leapt over the back of his chair and placed himself solidly between the kitten and the door. "Where do you think you're going?" The blond demanded, leaning down slightly to bring his scowling face into the cat's line of sight.

"I wanna go explore!"

"You want to go hunt down a chew toy."

"I want to go hunt down a mouse."

"You want to hunt down Seriphan."

"That's a bitch, not a mouse."

The blond blinked slowly, unconsciously standing at his full height as he tried to puzzle out the meaning of Harry's spin of words. He could ask, but the last thing he wanted to do was give the annoying kitten more ammunition. A bitch was female dog, but how was that an insult? Dogs… dogs… dogs… Wait, hadn't Merry once referred to a particularly aesthetically challenged girl as a dog? So, by calling Seriphan a bitch Harry was calling her a dog, which was in turn calling her unappealing?

Haldir turned his gaze down to ask why Harry would call an obviously attractive (although admittedly unpleasant) woman ugly, only to find the kitten absent. He'd been tricked... by a kitten. There was something terribly insulting to his pride about that and Haldir didn't have to think too hard on it to find what he found so displeasing.

He growled low in his throat, stalking out the door, pausing only to glance to the left and right before taking off towards Lord Celeborn's usual haunt.

Harry peeked around the doorframe where he'd hidden, to watch Haldir's retreating back until he could no longer see it. The cat grinned in a rather terrifying manner, a strange hissing noise created by the rapid release of his breath through his teeth. He trotted in the opposite direction, his tail swinging happily through the air.

It was the first time in a while that Harry could remember feeling his age, but at this moment he felt light, happy, and carefree. He almost felt like skipping, but wasn't entirely sure how the mechanics of such a thing would work in his present form.

"Speaking of mechanics," Harry mumbled as he came to the top of an impressive flight of stairs. His tail dropped and his ears angled down and back as the kitten retracted into himself. Each stair was several inches taller than him and made (or at least looked to be made) of polished marble, the least paw friendly surface known to cat kind. He scooted forward slowly, feeling rather like he was on ice, rather than solid rock. Slowly he turned, sliding his rear legs towards the edge first and pausing before very carefully pushing the past the edge. The moment his lost the support beneath them the whole lower half of his skinny little body went over and, with the complete lack of friction between his front paws and the floor, the front half was fast to follow. Harry landed with a loud and uncomfortable plop on the next stair down, disoriented and slightly dizzy but fine none the less.

Lifting his head to glance around, Harry was thrilled to find himself on the stair he'd been aiming for. Hugging his frame as close to the floor as possible, Harry wiggled and pushed until he fell over the side into a pile of fur. He pushed and wiggled his way down four more stairs until the twisted little method he'd developed went slightly wrong.

Harry, having grown cocky with his last six successful endeavors, rolled onto his back and braced his more powerful back paws against the last stair he'd flopped over. Pushing hard in the hopes of going over two stairs at once, Harry apparently underestimated his own strength. Rather than safely flopping down the stairs he went flying, rolling head over hind down the whole set. He landed on his feet, head swimming. Shaking his head wildly to try to dissipate the dizziness, Harry stumbled forward. His vision cleared just in time for him to pitch headfirst towards a closed door. Rather than hitting, however, Harry fell straight through. His uninterrupted momentum kept him moving and falling, through a floor he would have sworn was solid.

Yowling in surprise and fear, Harry fell through a number of rafters, another rather solid looking floor, and yet more rafters before making a safe landing on an unoccupied bed. Shocked and scared, the kitten shivered, burying his head in the clean white linens dressing the bed. He let out a shaky breath, eyes clamped shut and tail tucked down as Harry attempted to calm himself with the scent of the room he'd fallen into.

_"Harry? Harry! Please Harry, please."_

Harry snapped up, glancing around wildly, looking for the source of the call.

"Harry, there you are."

Cold hands lifted him from the bed without effort, holding Harry inches from a face he knew well.

"What are you doing down here?" Haldir asked, as slender brow rose.

"I was sleeping," the kitten quipped, careful to allow none of his previous fear to show. Haldir, although exceptionally kind to him, would not and should not be concerned with this.

"Why couldn't you do that in my rooms?"

"Beeeeccaaauuusssssseeee," the kitten answered, stretching the word obnoxiously in whining. "You like to pet me when I'm somber. Not that I'm complaining but have you ever tried to get to sleep when someone was lavishing attention on you?"

"Lavishing?"

"Well you do!"

Haldir smirked lightly, drawing Harry safely against his chest. "I did not deny it, I simply surprised you know the word."

"HEY!"

**A.N. **Hello lovies! In honor of my 18th b-day (which was the 14th) I will be updating every single story I have posted here with in the next week! I will also be uploading a few new ones from my monster list of bunnies - chosen for you by my new beta Kanika Keket, who rocks for editing this and for shifting through all my insane ideas. ^.^ I hope you all enjoy!


End file.
